The bride's outside smoking a last cigarette
When the organ starts playing 'The Lady In Red'
This is her cue, it's time to be wed
And the Matron of Honour starts weeping

The photographs take the best part of an hour
The best man and bridesmaids tie tins to the car
While the vicar and verger slip off to the bar
There's three more weddings this morning

She didn't want the church, and she didn't want white
She said: "We can drive up to Gretna tonight."
She said: "We can do just whatever we like."
But maybe he wasn't listening

Now it's one for the money that paid for the dress
Two for the chauffeur, the car and the rest
Three to get ready to greet all the guests
In the Masonic Hall in the evening

Champagne is called for and glasses are charged
The best man reads out his speech from a card
The bride's father staggers back from the bar
And says: "Is it my turn yet?"

He coughs, then he barks: "That's one more off my hands
So cheers to the bridesmaids and to the best man
The boring bit's done, now get on with the dance
Is there anyone that I've forgotten?

You know what you get when you pay for the best
No daughter of mine does without a white dress
And I booked their honeymoon by internet
The things you can do nowadays."

"I don't think I've witnessed such a shameful display,"
The groom's mother whispers as it gets underway
The bride takes the floor as the band starts to play
'I Just Called To Say I Love You'

The best man's pretending to sing down the phone
The old ones are starting to make their way home
The groom's in the garden, pacing around on his own
He loosens his tie and starts shaking

It's not easy to dance in a long wedding dress
But she smiles for the public and she does her best
When she finally sits down for a rest
She says: "Where the hell is my husband?"

It's one for the money that paid for the dress...